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My boys

This seemed as good a time as any to update everyone on what's happened to us in the last month. I can't remember if I'd said anything in the last post, but when I was 22 weeks pregnant I began having some bleeding. I wasn't contracting but went to L&D anyway where it was discovered I had placenta previa. I was told to be careful and that there wasn't anything that could be done. Well fast forward two weeks and I'm up with contractions. I would later be told they were just braxton hicks, but those things were painful and were instantly at 5 mins apart exactly. Went to L&D again, had a couple shots of Tributilene, contractions stop, few hours later I'm sent home. We're not even halfway and I start feeling the BH again. Get home and they're back in full force, still 5 mins apart..on the dot. Go to the big L&D this time, if we needed to deliver, this is the NICU we'd be sent to anyways. Fast forward to 3:45 am. I'd been getting tributilene off and on since coming in, and of course nothing was stopping. Have been told by now that bleeding is causing contractions and the contractions are continuing the bleeding; something about irritating my uterus. I get up to go to the bathroom at 3:45ish in the am and whoosh! The bottom falls out...I pass the biggest clot I'd ever seen...the length and thickness of a maxi pad...the long ones. Nurses rush in, I'm wheeled up, babies come out. I must say I'm glad I was knocked out because having that blue sheet in my face was making me super claustrophobic. Bennett was born first at 3:55am weighing in at a measly 1lb 6oz. Matthew followed soon after at 3:56am weighing a bit bigger at 1lb 8oz. Both boys were 12 1/2 in long...no wonder I felt baby all over the place in there. Having twins in the RNICU is the worst roller coaster you'll ever ride. Even the littlest victories are overshadowed by huge setbacks; and for babies this small, each setback is huge. This is exactly what happened with the boys. They'd be doing awesome; then they'd be doing horribly. They both at one point or another were breathing great. Bennett even managed a short stint without a ventilator! But as each boy tried harder to breath alone, they had their setbacks. Matthew had a bleed in his lung, Bennett went back on the ventilator...and it was nowhere but south at that time. Matthew lived only a week; Bennett for 11 days. I must say they filled their Nixon shoes quite well. Neither went out without a fight. The worked their little bodies until they just couldn't work anymore. Never giving up, but knowing when it was too much. We were able to say goodbye to both boys. I held them as they died, telling them how much we'd miss them. Bennett's death was harder. When Matthew died, we still had Bennett...still had hope that one of our boys would make it. When Bennett died, we knew we had nothing left. Nothing but boxes filled with memories, things they wore or used. While those boxes are priceless to us now, we both know we'd have wanted to take our babies home alive, not leave them there for the funeral home to pick up. I can't say that it's getting easier. Each day presents its own challenges. Its one more day we don't have our twins. One more day I didn't keep them inside where they belonged. It's also one more day we have Reilly. One more day we get to experience the joy of the angel on earth we've been given the privilege of raising as our son. Though he's said he's okay with it being just him, I feel horrible thinking he may grow up without a sibling and bear the burden of losing us all on his own. When we're gone, he won't have a brother or sister to lean on during the hard times. I know one thing for certain now. I'm not afraid to die. When I do, I'll be able to hold my boys again and have the honor of figuring out which is which.