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The Daily Duck

The ducks are getting so big!  This video is from about a week ago.  They've changed drastically in the short time we've had them.  They have some adult feathers, are known to quack now and then, and get SO excited when I come out in the morning.  Sometimes they'll eat out of your hands and sometimes they'll think your feeding with your hands and peck them, searching for anything edible.  They still don't 100% trust me, stretching tall together as far in the corner as they can.  They are fun to watch in their baby pool.  Bruce has the most fun.  He'll "duck" his head under and come out wriggling in an attempt to splash water on the rest of him.  This excites the others and soon you see them all splashing and trying to swim.  They are always together, hot or cold, they're a pack, a gaggle? Either way, it's been strangely therapeutic having them around, having something so small that depends on me to care for it.

What plans do our lives have other than ducks?  For now, its the beach!  We're heading down the Florida Panhandle in June two days after I deliver one awesome baby shower!  I'm very excited.  I haven't been to the beach in over a decade, maybe even 15 years.  This will be our first family trip together and first big trip since the boys died.  D needs a break from work and I need a break from familiar.
Here's a better look of the ducks now.

Noccalula Falls

Ducks, waterfall, and TRAIN!  All parts of Noccalula Falls Park.  If you know our son, you know what we had to do.  We met up with D's parents at the park and had a nice picnic lunch of pita sandwiches and cherry coke.  It was nice having a day of no stress, no worries, and being able to walk around and enjoy my little family.  Riding the train was the highlight of the day.  We had to have ridden around 3 or 4 times easy.  Through a tunnel and beside the gorge below the waterfall ... it was a wobbly but fun time!

Safe!

The Nixons are safe!  Life and property intact, so many others were not as lucky.  Hundreds have perished, and hundreds more have lost their homes.  Several counties in the state have been declared disaster areas so hopefully everyone who needs federal help will receive it.  It will take time, but we'll all get back to a sense of normal.  For us that normal is merely having power back.  For some dear friends, it will be months before they've picked up all their pieces, gotten their ducks in a row, and back in a home of their own.  Praying for our friends who are merely 10 weeks away from having their second child; and for everyone who has suffered in any way from the April 27th tornado outbreak.

The Oregon Ducks

Not the football team; though these ducks do huddle! (And their parents came from Oregon.) My sister aka Auntie A decided that Rei needed ducks since we'd had ducks when we were around his age.  Reilly had spent the night with Grandma and since we'd likely have ducks before we brought him back home I decided I'd stay here to help set up.  Well I ended up sending D to get him while I went on the duck expedition with the fam.  Pop, GiGi, Auntie A and me headed out first to a little place we'll refer to as ComicCon (inside joke now).  We had a few hours to spare we wandered around a decent size outdoor market.

People basically brought anything and everything to sell.  While some may think of it as junk, and most of it was, there were some things that caught my eye.  I saw a grape vine wine holder, a faux tree that would do fine in the bedroom, one fabulously oversized hat, and some cute tea sets.  After a bit of perusing, we made our way to the livestock.  You name it they had it; rabbits, goats, lambs, chickens, roosters, ducks, puppies.  We were put off by the conditions of the animals.  The small cages and crowding of the animals in them changed our minds about buying any there.  They had the wrong ducks anyway. :P  We had an appointment with someone in a closer city and we were amazed at the difference.  We'll just say that when I get around to having a rabbit, that's where I'll be going.  Seeing the chicks still cracking their way out of the eggs was just precious!  So here I am with 6 ducks my sister claims are hers for Rei for me to care for :P  It's going to be fun.  My dad came up with a pretty good enclosure for them complete with heat lamp, "bedding", feeder, and water bowl.  When they get a little bigger we've got a small baby pool they'll be able to swim in.  It's hilarious watching the leader take the rest back and forth between food and water.  They even played a game of ring around the rosie walking in circles around a feeder.  They are just adorable and us girls all "awww'd" in sync as they snuggled together.  Both on the way there and back, we schemed and came up with names for 5 of the ducks: Train, Bruce(leader), Neville(the small one), Charlotte, and Madeline.  We decided to let Rei name the last and after hearing Train he decided on Freight Car.  We all laughed and Rei was tickled we loved the name.  So in my back yard they live.  We'll keep them for a few months and when they're ready we'll transfer them to Grandma's farm to swim in the big duck ponds.  If anyone wants to come see them you know where to find me!

bills bills bills!

Arggh!  I know we have to pay for the care the boys received but when the hell are they gonna stop billing?  Feels like we're gonna be paying forever the bills for them.  So now we have Bennett's "last" bill and waiting on them to file Matthew's.  I swear if we get anything after this I'm gonna have a few more words to say.

Feels good to do good...

It really does.  Its a rewarding feeling knowing we shared our resources and were able to provide a reasonable amount of groceries for someone who cannot afford them much less the gas it would've taken for her to get there.  We live a minute from the major highway here in town and our sweet new friend lives miles and miles away behind the airport.  After some mailbox confusion we were able to fill up her kitchen table with bags of food. :)  You never realize how precious of a commodity food is; how much of a privilege it really is.  Food should be something that everyone has access to.  While this lady would not be kicked out of any store the price of the food and the distance make it a privilege while it should be a right.  She should have the right to the food she wants and yet she depends on charity.  I don't want to come across as feeling sorry for her; I don't think she'd want that.  What I mean to say is while I'm glad that there are people and churches able to provide things like groceries it seems strange and out of my "bubble" for these services to be needed.  No one should have to go without something like food.  We always hear about places like Africa where children are dying from starvation all day every day despite their parents sacrificing their own hunger for their kids.  We ALWAYS hear about the global problems and how we can donate money for someone to allegedly help them.  We like to think our money is helping, but the reality is that we'll never really know for sure unless we make the trip ourselves.  Even then, can we meet the exact person we believe we helped?  Today I looked inward.  The opportunity to help locally was there and I knew that the money I used would go to good use.  Now our new friend and her aged daughter have food through Easter at the minimum.  Is it strange that I feel I'm not doing enough?  I can't help but think what they'll do after those groceries are gone?  What about Christmas?  At least I have their address and a phone number.  I feel driven to do more.  What that'll be, I don't quite know yet.

Monday Monday

ah ahhh ah-ah-ah aahh  oh monday mornin'!

the start to a long spring break.  its so different being the parent.  i'm ready for school to start back!

Asthma

That's right.  Reilly officially has asthma.  We kinda figured since both David and Grandma have it.  I believe I put in my last post that Reilly'd had a cough for the last three months at least and had three fevers through that.  He's on antibiotics as well as a nebulizer bringing the grand total of prescriptions to 5.  Plus he's scheduled for allergy testing next week and I'm taking him for a chest xray tomorrow.  He did a breathing treatment at the doctor office and afterward there was a noticeable difference in the breathing.  I can't hear a wheeze but his doc can take one good listen and say "oh yeah, he's got it."  Sigh.  So now he's taking at least 3 meds a day plus the treatments as needed.  I posted a pic on facebook of all the medications he's got.  I've put the nebulizer next to his bed so that he can breathe easier when laying down.  It's a good spot for him to relax and watch a cartoon or play his v reader.  Glad we've got a plan on this whole mess.

poor Reilly

He's had a persistent cough for more than 3 months now and nothing seems to be helping!  It all started late last December.  Took him to our family doctor in early February where first we were told to wait it out a bit and if it got worse, to bring him back.  Well he got worse; fever, vomit, he couldn't eat anything but apple juice and crackers.  We go back to the doctor and he's presribed clarythromyacin (sp).  It helps some.  Reilly quits getting sick, the fever's gone, and the cough seems to be getting better.  Doc listens to his lungs and doesn't hear any wheezing so no breathing treatments are recommended and we're told the cough should go away soon.  Well now its early April and the poor kid's STILL coughing and has a 101 F fever AGAIN!  We're thinking he's got asthma but the fever tells me some kind of respiratory infection that just won't go away.  Either way he's headed to his allergy doctor on Monday that also handles asthma and immunology so we'll have it all covered.  Reading the reputation on this doctor, I'm glad we've got her.  She's real down to earth but is extremely smart.  We're talking valedictorian twice/chief resident smart.  I've got a list of what's been going on and I'm ready to head in there and say hey, find out what's wrong so we can fix it or handle it.  I'm tired of my baby being sick!

It's the little things...

Literally.  A dear friend of mine, who has also lost a set of twins in the past, gave me a small notebook soon after my boys were born as well as some other things.  The notebook is titled Joy: The Joy of the Lord is your Strength (Nehemiah 8:10).  And now, nearly 5 months later, I have finally began to write in it.  I keep it in my purse for those random moments when I want to really remember something.  Tonight was our weekly bible study and what I made note of is not really taken straight from our study, but rather the life application notes and verses that were in the same chapters as the verses we read.
The first is Job 5:8.  Job is the guy that despite everything that happened to him, he still praised God knowing that HE was there through everything.  The verse reads, "If I were you, I would go to God and make my case to Him."  This is a response given to Job by Eliphaz.  There are so many times I think What If.  So many times I question why what happened to me, happened to me.  Eliphaz tells us that we must go to God when we have questions, doubts, or worries.  He will answer us, in his own time.  Don't ask other people why when only God knows the answer to that.  It is also a comfort to know that we are not responsible for the things that happen to us, only how we react.  As a lesson from Michal's life in 2 Samuel 7, "We are not as responsible for what happens to us as we are for how we respond to our circumstances."  Bad things happen to good people.  What makes us different is what we do with ourselves after the fact.  Michal became bitter, but that is the last thing I'll ever feel toward God or myself over the loss of my boys.  Sure I miss them, but I cannot bring them back.  All I can do is make the best of my life until I see them again.

Easter Train

Today we rode the Easter Train at the North Alabama Railroad Museum (NARM).  The cars were decorated very festively with stuffed bunnies all along the luggage racks and other fun Easter things.  Here's a pic I took of the car last year.
It a lot of fun; even for us parents.  Reilly watches out the window and looks at all the concrete animals along the track.  He wasn't as enthusiastic on this ride as he was last year; though he'd been telling anyone who'd listen that he was going on the Easter Train.  I remember last year he was just amazed that he was riding a real train.  This year it was like "Eh, I've done this before.  But its still fun."  We had a great time despite the rain and pending tornado warnings due this evening and you can bet on us coming again next year and hopefully reserve in time for the Santa train.  Until then, Happy Easter early!

Cars, Tables, and Chairs OH MY!

Yesterday was a very good day.  Babbs, aka my sienna, made friends with the guard rail of the bridge just outside our subdivision.  After being in the shop for only 3 days she's all better, looking good as new.  I love how not only did I get the van back sooner than expected, but the fact that you cannot even tell anything happened!  The dents from scratches are gone and all is restored.  David called me out for lunch yesterday and on the way to the restaurant he says, "sure is a good thing your van is ready, now we have something to take your new table home in."  Oh the happy dance I did.  I've had my eye on this dining set, and one before it which I'm convinced is the exact same thing, for months and I must say that it looks fabulous!  I have learned the hard way though that you can't clean it with just any disinfectant wipe.  I need to either find an alcohol free one, or just use water.  Its not horribly noticeable, but slightly disappointing.  Regardless I'm very pleased with it.  It was crazy easy to put together, looks well made, and fits much better than the previous table.  A coat of paint and the room will look complete!

Kid Free Weekend

  That's right, we had a kid free weekend.  Reilly went out to Grandma's (David's Mom) on Friday after school and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon.  Friday was a good day.  Reilly went to school, and David and I took him to a park in Decatur to meet Grandma and a friend of Reilly, Thomas.  The park is much like Dublin in that the structures are the same and you have the hardest time keeping up with your kid(s).
  We began our weekend alone with a late lunch at Asian Grille in Decatur.  Crab Rangoons.....need I say more?  Hibachi.  Ok now I'm done. :P  After lunch we headed home for a bit before getting spruced up for a wedding reception downtown.  This was a very big deal; these people getting married.  She's Indian, He's American.  Big no-no.  The family finally consented and hooray! They're married now, getting ready for India where they'll have the big Indian wedding.  The party was fabulous, with delicious Indian food and a harp, of which I had to send my harp playing when she can mom a picture of.
  After the reception we went to the Monaco to see Paul which was hilarious!  Its by the same guys who did Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.
  Saturday was an unusually laid back day.  We actually slept in until 9:30!  It's been years since we've been able to sit around with nothing to do or nowhere to go.  We didn't have any plans until later that evening but that didn't stop me from making a dash out to Old Navy.  I'm coming to like Old Navy again.  I like the simple, casual, and affordable pieces they're carrying for spring.  I'm wearing a skirt as we speak!  This almost never happens!
  Our plans that night consisted of a Purim party.  Apparently Purim is a big Jewish holiday where beer is required, special cookies are had, and the story of Esther is read....and laughed at.  You cheer at the sound of Mordecai, and blow your horns and spin your noise makers at the sound of Hamon.  It was a much more enjoyable evening than I anticipated.  When I heard there was a bible reading, I thought it would be like another church service but it was hilarious!  We were laughing, drinking, and making a ton of noise.  It was awesome.
  Sunday we went out to the farm to get our boy.  He'd had a wonderful weekend; counting cows, picking up screws with a magnetic stick, and playing with his buddy Thomas.  I took some pictures of the new house on the grounds.  David's brother and his fam are moving down some time this summer.  I've met them several times over the years but it will be nice to be able to actually hang out at random times of the year, unlike the typical once maybe twice a year.
  Now it's monday again.  We're getting back into the groove of the routines and ready to tackle the week ahead!

something i'd never have done before

Reilly is at grandma's this weekend so David and I have had all of yesterday (if you count the hours in school) and all of today to ourselves.  We got some good cleaning done and even had a nice lunch outside. :)  Not wanting to simply sit around the house all day I took my Old Navy coupon and out the door I went.  My first idea was to get a nice white skirt.  I'd made a promise to myself while pg with B & M that I would be more girly since I'd have a house full of boys.  Technically I still do because except the cat, I am the only girl here.  Well I also found a very cute floral print ruffly cami.  I tried but I just could not get the skirt with it....I'd seen the perfect shorts!  Here's the part I never would have done before.  If it were not for loving the cami so much, I otherwise never would have bought PURPLE shorts!  They are a lovely rich purple linen type shorts (something else I've never done.  Its always been denim.).  In honor of my new ensemble, and on behalf of the upcoming church yardsale, I am now about to attempt to shed my closet.  Just as my cats graciously share their fur after every winter, I'm going to take out pieces that I've kept for whatever reason...should there even be one.  There are so many things in there that I've gotten but never really worn.  Good luck to me!  And good luck to David I don't rush out and buy just to fill it up again.  J/K :P

Giveaway on Decor blog!

Just in case you see it here first, I'm having a giveaway on my other blog Sugar Bluff Decorating!  Its a gorgeous Better Homes & Gardens throw pillow with fabulous colors and design!  10 followers on that blog and I'll pick a winner!

St Pattys Day fun

In honor of St Patty, Reilly and I made a Leprechaun house and had green eggs for breakfast.  Even went a little Dr Seuss on him and had ham too.  Reilly and I then met my mom downtown for the Huntsville St Patrick's Day parade and later had lunch at Rolo's.  Today has been a very fun day.  Not really in a posting mood for some reason so I'll just link a couple pictures.  There is also a pic of Reilly at the parade under the Family Photos section.

Leprechaun House

Green Eggs and Ham

Bagpipers in parade

why don't i feel worse?

Its been just over 4 months since we lost both twins but I've been asking myself lately, shouldn't i feel worse? Of course I miss them and yes I'd love to have them back running me ragged and driving me crazy but I don't feel angry. I don't feel empty. I realize that this is how my life is going to be, and as much as I'd love to change it I can't. I threw myself into the guest room soon after; planning every detail and waiting anxiously for the tax return that would make it all possible. I finished the guest room today (more or less) and thought to myself, "now what?" Answering myself, in a totally not schizo way, I realized that I didn't really need anything else to throw myself into. I still have a toddler that needs me and a husband that loves me and has through our recent troubles. I recently met some women that have also lost a child or two. I could sense some hostility in the feelings some had regarding their loss. I remember that feeling vividly but I wonder how it could have passed so quickly? 4 months isn't really that long when you consider that I should now have two 1 mo boys keeping me up all hours of the night. Yes I miss them but I think Reilly has kept me from feeling lost and empty inside. I do have a place in my heart for both Bennett and Matthew but somehow my living child has drawn closer to us, as if he knows mommy and daddy need him more than ever now. Maybe offering some of my time to the FHT at church has given me a sense of purpose; to use my own suffering to help heal those who've more recently lost someone close. Maybe having my blubber-fest in the car after finding that the scrapbook set I was to use for Bennett's baby book to match brother Matthew's was now sold out got out the raw emotions that were already bursting at the seams. I don't feel that I'm forgetting them by any means but I do feel perplexed as to if I'm feeling the right things at this point in time. Even making a visit recently to the Women & Children Center at HH was easier than I thought. I didn't cry or stumble at all. Am I over it? I surely hope not! I want to hold them every day but I can't and that hurts. But I'm getting through the days thinking about them with ease. Maybe I looked at their books enough times after they passed that there is no chance in hell I'll forget their monkey-like hair-covered faces, or Bennett's blood filled foot, or Matthew's nickname Matt-man. I'll never forget Matthew's first night with a lung bleed. I'll never forget having the fun task of figuring out which pictures were of which baby. I'll never forget Bennett holding tight to my finger as I tried to pull away. Maybe that's why I feel at peace. Yes, at peace. Knowing they are safe and happy now. Knowing they are breathing with ease the heavenly sweet air that I can only think about. I can't figure one thing out though; is my desire for another child really just the desire to have my boys back? I carried them, gave birth to them (in my sleep too!), and held them as they died. Seeing their eyes for the first time, seeing them see me and knowing they knew who I was. I would talk, and they would listen. They knew their mom. So I do still get sad, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I have a wonderful support system; some of which knows exactly what it feels like to lose a child...or two. I am just so thankful I got to meet them, look at them, hold them, and talk to them. Forever a mom of three.

blogging on the go

it doesnt work. I have the app but it will not recognize my email used for blogging. I started this post on my phone but only got as far as the title. It refused to let me enter text. Instead it only sees my gmail accounts. I made two of those b/c i was tired of seeing junk emails popping up on my monitor. Considered deleting my google account but of course that would require me not using blogger anymore and I didnt want to risk having my two blogs deleted and having to start over. I may do that in the end if i want to post from my phone but maybe i'll just have to live in the '90s and do everything on the actual computer. What's the point of having the blogger app if you can't use it?

Sushi??

Getting sushi is a special treat for us. Its not that expensive but its a good 15 minute drive when there are several other restaurants much closer. We have a great sushi spot called Edo; Reilly loves the koi pond in the front and I'm a huge fan of the Tempura Roll. We finish eating and I visit the bathroom before we leave. When I come out David and Reilly are at the counter paying and talking with the owner about a fish bowl. Oh yes, we got fish. She was explaining to David that she had too many fish and needed to get rid of some of them so now we have three fish: Tempura, Seuss, and one whose name only Reilly can pronounce.

Gettin' Dirrty

Today I got dirty. ROFL, slow down gutter mind! The boys and I made a visit to Lowe's where we proceeded to buy some very pretty annuals (pansies, darla daschia, and something else), top soil, and black mulch. We have a very small area to plant flowers in but I made the best of it mixing yellow, white, and a very interesting shade of pink/red/terra cotta. The black mulch made it look absolutely beautiful and while the flash here distorts it a bit, it really does look very nice. Tomorrow I plan on spreading the last 6 pansies in front of some hedges and making use of the last bit of mulch. Here's a nice picture of my thumb turning green.

Face 2 Face: North Alabama

Last night I met a wonderful group of women (plus a hubby). Each one had suffered child loss in one way or another. The mother across from me lost her son to Wolman's Disease. Its a rare beyond rare enzyme disease. The mother next to her lost her son to SIDS at just 4 months old. The mother next to me lost a set of twin boys to complications during pregnancy. Each one an inspiration and a comfort. Sharing our grief with one another gives us just that much more proof that we are not alone; although we feel like it a lot of times. It was comforting to know that I'm not going through this alone. I have a wonderful support system now; one that can truly empathize way beyond a casual, though surely heartfelt, apology for my circumstances.

What we've experienced in inexcusable. No life that innocent should have to perish so soon. No child should have to die. But thanks to one sneaky snake and one naive naked woman, they do. But no sense moping about. I am still here. Reilly and my husband are still here. I am too blessed to be stressed....but I will miss my little boys immeasurably every day.

Moving On

I won't say I've been told its time to move on. Its been barely 4 months since Bennett and Matthew were born, much less since they died. But I'm not going to post in a way that keeps me from finishing sentences or even words. I'm posting in a way that's going to make my fingers race to the keys. A way that will make my brain keep a list of all the things I want to say.

I've taken my experience with my twins and made it into something positive. I've taken my pain to offer healing towards those who have also lost someone close. I'm leading what I like to call "FHT" or the Funeral Hospitality Team at Good Shepherd UMC...a church that practically fell into our laps at just the right moment over a year ago. I basically let the team know when our services are needed. Someone takes care of the food and the rest of us are there to do everything else; from chairs to tissues. I have made the most horrible time of my life into the hands of Christ. Reaching out to these people who are left here has given me a sense of hope and purpose. I know I'll see my boys again. I can't wait till I do.

There are so many different ways of coping with a loss like this. My route of choice was pouring myself into planning a guest room. Getting all the boys' things out of there was difficult. David had a hard time while deciding how to take the beds down and where to move them. We got that sorted out and I began my decorating crusade! I was able to procure the wicker furniture from my room back "home" and have the pieces all set up, save for a console table waiting patiently for one big bad dresser to get out of the way. Tonight I have ordered curtains, cushions, and a mirror that will hang over said console. I am so beyond ecstatic to get this room going! I've got so much still to get...like say a bed, mattress, and bedding! And don't even get me started on the walls; I have no idea what will go where, much less what will go in the first place! David bought some fabulous vintage wrapping paper that I'm very likely to cut a piece of and frame. How awesome would that be?? Totally. Thats how. I can't wait till things start coming in so I can take pictures! I know this room is going to look amazing. So much so I may never be able to change it!

its coming....

Bring on the snow!