It's the little things...

Literally.  A dear friend of mine, who has also lost a set of twins in the past, gave me a small notebook soon after my boys were born as well as some other things.  The notebook is titled Joy: The Joy of the Lord is your Strength (Nehemiah 8:10).  And now, nearly 5 months later, I have finally began to write in it.  I keep it in my purse for those random moments when I want to really remember something.  Tonight was our weekly bible study and what I made note of is not really taken straight from our study, but rather the life application notes and verses that were in the same chapters as the verses we read.
The first is Job 5:8.  Job is the guy that despite everything that happened to him, he still praised God knowing that HE was there through everything.  The verse reads, "If I were you, I would go to God and make my case to Him."  This is a response given to Job by Eliphaz.  There are so many times I think What If.  So many times I question why what happened to me, happened to me.  Eliphaz tells us that we must go to God when we have questions, doubts, or worries.  He will answer us, in his own time.  Don't ask other people why when only God knows the answer to that.  It is also a comfort to know that we are not responsible for the things that happen to us, only how we react.  As a lesson from Michal's life in 2 Samuel 7, "We are not as responsible for what happens to us as we are for how we respond to our circumstances."  Bad things happen to good people.  What makes us different is what we do with ourselves after the fact.  Michal became bitter, but that is the last thing I'll ever feel toward God or myself over the loss of my boys.  Sure I miss them, but I cannot bring them back.  All I can do is make the best of my life until I see them again.

Easter Train

Today we rode the Easter Train at the North Alabama Railroad Museum (NARM).  The cars were decorated very festively with stuffed bunnies all along the luggage racks and other fun Easter things.  Here's a pic I took of the car last year.
It a lot of fun; even for us parents.  Reilly watches out the window and looks at all the concrete animals along the track.  He wasn't as enthusiastic on this ride as he was last year; though he'd been telling anyone who'd listen that he was going on the Easter Train.  I remember last year he was just amazed that he was riding a real train.  This year it was like "Eh, I've done this before.  But its still fun."  We had a great time despite the rain and pending tornado warnings due this evening and you can bet on us coming again next year and hopefully reserve in time for the Santa train.  Until then, Happy Easter early!

Cars, Tables, and Chairs OH MY!

Yesterday was a very good day.  Babbs, aka my sienna, made friends with the guard rail of the bridge just outside our subdivision.  After being in the shop for only 3 days she's all better, looking good as new.  I love how not only did I get the van back sooner than expected, but the fact that you cannot even tell anything happened!  The dents from scratches are gone and all is restored.  David called me out for lunch yesterday and on the way to the restaurant he says, "sure is a good thing your van is ready, now we have something to take your new table home in."  Oh the happy dance I did.  I've had my eye on this dining set, and one before it which I'm convinced is the exact same thing, for months and I must say that it looks fabulous!  I have learned the hard way though that you can't clean it with just any disinfectant wipe.  I need to either find an alcohol free one, or just use water.  Its not horribly noticeable, but slightly disappointing.  Regardless I'm very pleased with it.  It was crazy easy to put together, looks well made, and fits much better than the previous table.  A coat of paint and the room will look complete!

Kid Free Weekend

  That's right, we had a kid free weekend.  Reilly went out to Grandma's (David's Mom) on Friday after school and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon.  Friday was a good day.  Reilly went to school, and David and I took him to a park in Decatur to meet Grandma and a friend of Reilly, Thomas.  The park is much like Dublin in that the structures are the same and you have the hardest time keeping up with your kid(s).
  We began our weekend alone with a late lunch at Asian Grille in Decatur.  Crab Rangoons.....need I say more?  Hibachi.  Ok now I'm done. :P  After lunch we headed home for a bit before getting spruced up for a wedding reception downtown.  This was a very big deal; these people getting married.  She's Indian, He's American.  Big no-no.  The family finally consented and hooray! They're married now, getting ready for India where they'll have the big Indian wedding.  The party was fabulous, with delicious Indian food and a harp, of which I had to send my harp playing when she can mom a picture of.
  After the reception we went to the Monaco to see Paul which was hilarious!  Its by the same guys who did Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.
  Saturday was an unusually laid back day.  We actually slept in until 9:30!  It's been years since we've been able to sit around with nothing to do or nowhere to go.  We didn't have any plans until later that evening but that didn't stop me from making a dash out to Old Navy.  I'm coming to like Old Navy again.  I like the simple, casual, and affordable pieces they're carrying for spring.  I'm wearing a skirt as we speak!  This almost never happens!
  Our plans that night consisted of a Purim party.  Apparently Purim is a big Jewish holiday where beer is required, special cookies are had, and the story of Esther is read....and laughed at.  You cheer at the sound of Mordecai, and blow your horns and spin your noise makers at the sound of Hamon.  It was a much more enjoyable evening than I anticipated.  When I heard there was a bible reading, I thought it would be like another church service but it was hilarious!  We were laughing, drinking, and making a ton of noise.  It was awesome.
  Sunday we went out to the farm to get our boy.  He'd had a wonderful weekend; counting cows, picking up screws with a magnetic stick, and playing with his buddy Thomas.  I took some pictures of the new house on the grounds.  David's brother and his fam are moving down some time this summer.  I've met them several times over the years but it will be nice to be able to actually hang out at random times of the year, unlike the typical once maybe twice a year.
  Now it's monday again.  We're getting back into the groove of the routines and ready to tackle the week ahead!

something i'd never have done before

Reilly is at grandma's this weekend so David and I have had all of yesterday (if you count the hours in school) and all of today to ourselves.  We got some good cleaning done and even had a nice lunch outside. :)  Not wanting to simply sit around the house all day I took my Old Navy coupon and out the door I went.  My first idea was to get a nice white skirt.  I'd made a promise to myself while pg with B & M that I would be more girly since I'd have a house full of boys.  Technically I still do because except the cat, I am the only girl here.  Well I also found a very cute floral print ruffly cami.  I tried but I just could not get the skirt with it....I'd seen the perfect shorts!  Here's the part I never would have done before.  If it were not for loving the cami so much, I otherwise never would have bought PURPLE shorts!  They are a lovely rich purple linen type shorts (something else I've never done.  Its always been denim.).  In honor of my new ensemble, and on behalf of the upcoming church yardsale, I am now about to attempt to shed my closet.  Just as my cats graciously share their fur after every winter, I'm going to take out pieces that I've kept for whatever reason...should there even be one.  There are so many things in there that I've gotten but never really worn.  Good luck to me!  And good luck to David I don't rush out and buy just to fill it up again.  J/K :P

Giveaway on Decor blog!

Just in case you see it here first, I'm having a giveaway on my other blog Sugar Bluff Decorating!  Its a gorgeous Better Homes & Gardens throw pillow with fabulous colors and design!  10 followers on that blog and I'll pick a winner!

St Pattys Day fun

In honor of St Patty, Reilly and I made a Leprechaun house and had green eggs for breakfast.  Even went a little Dr Seuss on him and had ham too.  Reilly and I then met my mom downtown for the Huntsville St Patrick's Day parade and later had lunch at Rolo's.  Today has been a very fun day.  Not really in a posting mood for some reason so I'll just link a couple pictures.  There is also a pic of Reilly at the parade under the Family Photos section.

Leprechaun House

Green Eggs and Ham

Bagpipers in parade

why don't i feel worse?

Its been just over 4 months since we lost both twins but I've been asking myself lately, shouldn't i feel worse? Of course I miss them and yes I'd love to have them back running me ragged and driving me crazy but I don't feel angry. I don't feel empty. I realize that this is how my life is going to be, and as much as I'd love to change it I can't. I threw myself into the guest room soon after; planning every detail and waiting anxiously for the tax return that would make it all possible. I finished the guest room today (more or less) and thought to myself, "now what?" Answering myself, in a totally not schizo way, I realized that I didn't really need anything else to throw myself into. I still have a toddler that needs me and a husband that loves me and has through our recent troubles. I recently met some women that have also lost a child or two. I could sense some hostility in the feelings some had regarding their loss. I remember that feeling vividly but I wonder how it could have passed so quickly? 4 months isn't really that long when you consider that I should now have two 1 mo boys keeping me up all hours of the night. Yes I miss them but I think Reilly has kept me from feeling lost and empty inside. I do have a place in my heart for both Bennett and Matthew but somehow my living child has drawn closer to us, as if he knows mommy and daddy need him more than ever now. Maybe offering some of my time to the FHT at church has given me a sense of purpose; to use my own suffering to help heal those who've more recently lost someone close. Maybe having my blubber-fest in the car after finding that the scrapbook set I was to use for Bennett's baby book to match brother Matthew's was now sold out got out the raw emotions that were already bursting at the seams. I don't feel that I'm forgetting them by any means but I do feel perplexed as to if I'm feeling the right things at this point in time. Even making a visit recently to the Women & Children Center at HH was easier than I thought. I didn't cry or stumble at all. Am I over it? I surely hope not! I want to hold them every day but I can't and that hurts. But I'm getting through the days thinking about them with ease. Maybe I looked at their books enough times after they passed that there is no chance in hell I'll forget their monkey-like hair-covered faces, or Bennett's blood filled foot, or Matthew's nickname Matt-man. I'll never forget Matthew's first night with a lung bleed. I'll never forget having the fun task of figuring out which pictures were of which baby. I'll never forget Bennett holding tight to my finger as I tried to pull away. Maybe that's why I feel at peace. Yes, at peace. Knowing they are safe and happy now. Knowing they are breathing with ease the heavenly sweet air that I can only think about. I can't figure one thing out though; is my desire for another child really just the desire to have my boys back? I carried them, gave birth to them (in my sleep too!), and held them as they died. Seeing their eyes for the first time, seeing them see me and knowing they knew who I was. I would talk, and they would listen. They knew their mom. So I do still get sad, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I have a wonderful support system; some of which knows exactly what it feels like to lose a child...or two. I am just so thankful I got to meet them, look at them, hold them, and talk to them. Forever a mom of three.

blogging on the go

it doesnt work. I have the app but it will not recognize my email used for blogging. I started this post on my phone but only got as far as the title. It refused to let me enter text. Instead it only sees my gmail accounts. I made two of those b/c i was tired of seeing junk emails popping up on my monitor. Considered deleting my google account but of course that would require me not using blogger anymore and I didnt want to risk having my two blogs deleted and having to start over. I may do that in the end if i want to post from my phone but maybe i'll just have to live in the '90s and do everything on the actual computer. What's the point of having the blogger app if you can't use it?

Sushi??

Getting sushi is a special treat for us. Its not that expensive but its a good 15 minute drive when there are several other restaurants much closer. We have a great sushi spot called Edo; Reilly loves the koi pond in the front and I'm a huge fan of the Tempura Roll. We finish eating and I visit the bathroom before we leave. When I come out David and Reilly are at the counter paying and talking with the owner about a fish bowl. Oh yes, we got fish. She was explaining to David that she had too many fish and needed to get rid of some of them so now we have three fish: Tempura, Seuss, and one whose name only Reilly can pronounce.

Gettin' Dirrty

Today I got dirty. ROFL, slow down gutter mind! The boys and I made a visit to Lowe's where we proceeded to buy some very pretty annuals (pansies, darla daschia, and something else), top soil, and black mulch. We have a very small area to plant flowers in but I made the best of it mixing yellow, white, and a very interesting shade of pink/red/terra cotta. The black mulch made it look absolutely beautiful and while the flash here distorts it a bit, it really does look very nice. Tomorrow I plan on spreading the last 6 pansies in front of some hedges and making use of the last bit of mulch. Here's a nice picture of my thumb turning green.

Face 2 Face: North Alabama

Last night I met a wonderful group of women (plus a hubby). Each one had suffered child loss in one way or another. The mother across from me lost her son to Wolman's Disease. Its a rare beyond rare enzyme disease. The mother next to her lost her son to SIDS at just 4 months old. The mother next to me lost a set of twin boys to complications during pregnancy. Each one an inspiration and a comfort. Sharing our grief with one another gives us just that much more proof that we are not alone; although we feel like it a lot of times. It was comforting to know that I'm not going through this alone. I have a wonderful support system now; one that can truly empathize way beyond a casual, though surely heartfelt, apology for my circumstances.

What we've experienced in inexcusable. No life that innocent should have to perish so soon. No child should have to die. But thanks to one sneaky snake and one naive naked woman, they do. But no sense moping about. I am still here. Reilly and my husband are still here. I am too blessed to be stressed....but I will miss my little boys immeasurably every day.