why don't i feel worse?

Its been just over 4 months since we lost both twins but I've been asking myself lately, shouldn't i feel worse? Of course I miss them and yes I'd love to have them back running me ragged and driving me crazy but I don't feel angry. I don't feel empty. I realize that this is how my life is going to be, and as much as I'd love to change it I can't. I threw myself into the guest room soon after; planning every detail and waiting anxiously for the tax return that would make it all possible. I finished the guest room today (more or less) and thought to myself, "now what?" Answering myself, in a totally not schizo way, I realized that I didn't really need anything else to throw myself into. I still have a toddler that needs me and a husband that loves me and has through our recent troubles. I recently met some women that have also lost a child or two. I could sense some hostility in the feelings some had regarding their loss. I remember that feeling vividly but I wonder how it could have passed so quickly? 4 months isn't really that long when you consider that I should now have two 1 mo boys keeping me up all hours of the night. Yes I miss them but I think Reilly has kept me from feeling lost and empty inside. I do have a place in my heart for both Bennett and Matthew but somehow my living child has drawn closer to us, as if he knows mommy and daddy need him more than ever now. Maybe offering some of my time to the FHT at church has given me a sense of purpose; to use my own suffering to help heal those who've more recently lost someone close. Maybe having my blubber-fest in the car after finding that the scrapbook set I was to use for Bennett's baby book to match brother Matthew's was now sold out got out the raw emotions that were already bursting at the seams. I don't feel that I'm forgetting them by any means but I do feel perplexed as to if I'm feeling the right things at this point in time. Even making a visit recently to the Women & Children Center at HH was easier than I thought. I didn't cry or stumble at all. Am I over it? I surely hope not! I want to hold them every day but I can't and that hurts. But I'm getting through the days thinking about them with ease. Maybe I looked at their books enough times after they passed that there is no chance in hell I'll forget their monkey-like hair-covered faces, or Bennett's blood filled foot, or Matthew's nickname Matt-man. I'll never forget Matthew's first night with a lung bleed. I'll never forget having the fun task of figuring out which pictures were of which baby. I'll never forget Bennett holding tight to my finger as I tried to pull away. Maybe that's why I feel at peace. Yes, at peace. Knowing they are safe and happy now. Knowing they are breathing with ease the heavenly sweet air that I can only think about. I can't figure one thing out though; is my desire for another child really just the desire to have my boys back? I carried them, gave birth to them (in my sleep too!), and held them as they died. Seeing their eyes for the first time, seeing them see me and knowing they knew who I was. I would talk, and they would listen. They knew their mom. So I do still get sad, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I have a wonderful support system; some of which knows exactly what it feels like to lose a child...or two. I am just so thankful I got to meet them, look at them, hold them, and talk to them. Forever a mom of three.