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My boys

This seemed as good a time as any to update everyone on what's happened to us in the last month. I can't remember if I'd said anything in the last post, but when I was 22 weeks pregnant I began having some bleeding. I wasn't contracting but went to L&D anyway where it was discovered I had placenta previa. I was told to be careful and that there wasn't anything that could be done. Well fast forward two weeks and I'm up with contractions. I would later be told they were just braxton hicks, but those things were painful and were instantly at 5 mins apart exactly. Went to L&D again, had a couple shots of Tributilene, contractions stop, few hours later I'm sent home. We're not even halfway and I start feeling the BH again. Get home and they're back in full force, still 5 mins apart..on the dot. Go to the big L&D this time, if we needed to deliver, this is the NICU we'd be sent to anyways. Fast forward to 3:45 am. I'd been getting tributilene off and on since coming in, and of course nothing was stopping. Have been told by now that bleeding is causing contractions and the contractions are continuing the bleeding; something about irritating my uterus. I get up to go to the bathroom at 3:45ish in the am and whoosh! The bottom falls out...I pass the biggest clot I'd ever seen...the length and thickness of a maxi pad...the long ones. Nurses rush in, I'm wheeled up, babies come out. I must say I'm glad I was knocked out because having that blue sheet in my face was making me super claustrophobic. Bennett was born first at 3:55am weighing in at a measly 1lb 6oz. Matthew followed soon after at 3:56am weighing a bit bigger at 1lb 8oz. Both boys were 12 1/2 in long...no wonder I felt baby all over the place in there. Having twins in the RNICU is the worst roller coaster you'll ever ride. Even the littlest victories are overshadowed by huge setbacks; and for babies this small, each setback is huge. This is exactly what happened with the boys. They'd be doing awesome; then they'd be doing horribly. They both at one point or another were breathing great. Bennett even managed a short stint without a ventilator! But as each boy tried harder to breath alone, they had their setbacks. Matthew had a bleed in his lung, Bennett went back on the ventilator...and it was nowhere but south at that time. Matthew lived only a week; Bennett for 11 days. I must say they filled their Nixon shoes quite well. Neither went out without a fight. The worked their little bodies until they just couldn't work anymore. Never giving up, but knowing when it was too much. We were able to say goodbye to both boys. I held them as they died, telling them how much we'd miss them. Bennett's death was harder. When Matthew died, we still had Bennett...still had hope that one of our boys would make it. When Bennett died, we knew we had nothing left. Nothing but boxes filled with memories, things they wore or used. While those boxes are priceless to us now, we both know we'd have wanted to take our babies home alive, not leave them there for the funeral home to pick up. I can't say that it's getting easier. Each day presents its own challenges. Its one more day we don't have our twins. One more day I didn't keep them inside where they belonged. It's also one more day we have Reilly. One more day we get to experience the joy of the angel on earth we've been given the privilege of raising as our son. Though he's said he's okay with it being just him, I feel horrible thinking he may grow up without a sibling and bear the burden of losing us all on his own. When we're gone, he won't have a brother or sister to lean on during the hard times. I know one thing for certain now. I'm not afraid to die. When I do, I'll be able to hold my boys again and have the honor of figuring out which is which.

All pregnancies ARE different

I should have known this pregnancy would be different. Afterall, there are two in there this time. Up until this past weekend everything was going as expected, no pun intended. I woke up Saturday morning to some bleeding. Naturally being scared out of my mind we head to L&D. After an ultrasound, and confirming that yes we have boys, we learned that I possibly have placenta previa. How they can't tell IDK, but I guess that just like they estimate size of baby, they estimate location. So I have anywhere from complete previa to merely nearby placenta. Either way, the chance of having a section is becoming greater and greater. Thankfully, thats not scaring me. My main concern as mommy is to simply have these babies delivered safely and as healthy as can be. Generally speaking I feel fine, haven't had any cramping and the bleeding is going away and turning brown. TMI, yes, but thats a good sign when it comes to bleeding while pregnant. I haven't been ordered any bedrest at this time, but I'm still taking it as easy as possible, avoiding the stairs and picking up anything heavy.

Halfway there!

At least technically we're halfway through this pregnancy! I'm feeling the boys so much these days. It shall be interesting how they act when they really don't have any room. So how is mama doing? I'm alright; save for the heartburn that just won't go away. I've been blessed once again with a wonderful pregnancy so far. I have yet to have any complications. Next appointment is tomorrow (the big anatomy scan) and hopefully everything will go smoothly.
How is Reilly? Today has been interesting to say the least. I had made some pumpkin pies for a church dessert contest and took a leftover piece to Granny because she's the one that likely talked me into trying it in the first place. Anywho, we get to the nursing home and find them lining up to get on buses for a trip to the Parkway Place Mall on the SE end of town for Build A Bear and Picadilly. In order to convince Granny to go, I agree to bring Reilly along to help her make her bear. Reilly gets super excited, dancing in the hallway and just being the generally happy/silly Reilly he usually is. We get there early, early considering how long it will probably take to load up however many ladies in wheelchairs are going. I honestly didnt want to do it, knowing I'm going to have to drive that far again tomorrow for the doctor appointment, but because its my granny and I'm now the only grandchild in town, and the one with the cute toddler, we go. Well I decide thats a good time to call GiGi, to ask if she'll be home and able to watch Reilly. Phone's dead...goody. So i think, oh well I'll be out anyways and can likely get a car charger at the mall and can then call GiGi. Well Reilly kept on fussing and kept on fussing...to the point where I finally called it enough as we were standing upstairs directly from where we first walked in. Reilly said he wanted to go down. When we get down, he says he wants to go up. This was not the first time. I say no and keep walking, turning my head every two seconds to see him unhappy but still moving. We get outside and he's crying; still walking, but crying. I keep my cool, and calmly walk him to the van. We chat a minute about what happened. He says again for the millionth time he wants to call GiGi. Once again I explain that my phone isn't working, that I needed a car charger but couldn't get one because he kept fussing. I'd had enough, and being noticeably preggo, with twins no less, I didnt have the energy to keep going. I hate that we can't help Granny with her bear, and that I couldn't call because my phone was dead, but I'd honestly had enough. Oh but thats not all!
If only to make matters worse, or more buggersome, I decide I want Chik Fil A on the way home. I order the #8 club sandwich with no tomato. I get home...with tomato. Oh well right? Just take it off myself. Start eating....tastes funny. No BACON! Ugh.
We're home, Reilly's napping, and I'm venting; getting out the frustration of the morning telling myself that even though you've got $30 in a rebate card you can use for shoes that you can actually put on yourself this winter, it's not worth getting out with a fussy toddler.

How many?

We've been wanting another baby for about a year now, really made the decision last June. It hasn't been an easy road. Last October we found out we were pregnant! I felt amazing and had no worries. By December we were looking forward to the ultrasound for the very first peek at this new life. We were horrified to discover there was no heartbeat and that the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind. My Dr kept asking me if I was sure about my LMP. Convinced I knew the date I was baffled as to why my baby was silent. Within 48 hours I began to miscarry and ended up needing a D&C. It was a horrible experience that I would not even wish on anyone I severely hated. Thankfully there are no such people, but these things still happen. 6 months later, we're pregnant again! With my history, we were naturally worried about a repeat situation. Well no worries now, we heard a fabulous heart! The baby looked awesome, measured right on time with a great position. Then the tech wanted to show us something else she saw on the screen. Flutter flutter its another heartbeat! I am still in shock by this news but getting more excited every day! I still have to take a moment every time I think twins...even now I pause before my fingers start up again. We are having twins!!!! I prayed for another baby, God chuckled and said "you sure? OK here, twins" It will be the greatest adventure I've ever been on...and I am eager and willing to start!

Girlfriends

I've always been the shy quiet type. Not the one to be the first to speak. I wouldn't call it a social anxiety; it's not like I get nervous and become unable to function. It's more of a social awkwardness. I'm not quite sure how to act around different people, some prefer funny while others prefer serious and I never seem to be the right kind. Sometimes you have to be pushed out of your comfort zone in order to deal with it. I, however, feel I've been guided out, or persuaded, out of my comfort zone. I recently helped co found GSUMC Girlfriends. Girlfriends Unlimited is a wonderful world wide women's ministry that I am feeling more and more blessed to be a part of. This ministry is just what I need to get myself out there and have an actual social life outside the toddler realm, and the mommies they belong to. I thought it was nice just interacting with adults after I had my son, but this ministry is taking my life to somewhere I never thought I'd be. I'm surrounded by women I somewhat already know, doing things that are fun! Not mommy things, not kiddie things, but simply adult things! This saturday, for instance, I'm going Horseback Riding with a group called Extreme Divas. These are the girls that will be doing the more daredevil type activities. Anyone who knows me knows I'm by no means extreme or a daredevil, but sometimes you just have to get out and do it. Riding horses isn't too extreme, but it's a great way to get my feet wet before challenging more difficult endeavors. I've been riding before and loved it and I'm very excited to be doing it again. As for the difficult endeavors, they're not so difficult either. Next month we'll be taking a group up into Tennessee to raft down the Ocoee!! Now THIS is a great time! It may be a decent bit away, but it's so worth it! White Water Rafting is definitely something that everyone should do, especially on the Ocoee, its so much fun!

I'm sitting here planning my Bingo night with the Gamin' Gals, another group in our ministry, and felt the need to come on and just get out how great it feels to be involved with all this. I almost feel like the over achiever of the group, having only turned down one group event since our kickoff but I realize how everything came together to bring me to the opportunity to simply know of this ministry, and more so to be a part of its leadership. Who knew? Me, a group leader?!

Smith Lake

As everyone always does we went to the lake for Memorial Day. I can't even begin to describe the feeling I have when I'm on the lake. To me it's so much better than the beach. I come home wanting to turn around and drive back, just to swing on the porch and watch the boats go by. Now my favorite thing to do is the jet ski but sadly it was in the repair shop....getting the rest it's going to need for when I get my hands on it again! I don't do anything crazy on it, just drive like any other vessel. But back to the lake itself. It's so calming, so relaxing....and I get this feeling of peace; as if all the world's worries don't exist. I go home missing it. Needless to say I'll be at the lake every chance I get! I'm excited to announce that David came with me for the first time ever! I can't believe it took so long to get him up there but he made it! Reilly was also very happy to be on the lake. He drove a Pontoon Boat all by himself, literally. My dad would coach him by telling him which way to turn the wheel and take over when it came time to park, but other than that it was all Reilly. We stopped at our friends' house and not even a minute after we got there Reilly was asking to drive the boat again. It gave me warm fuzzies all over seeing him have such a grand time. The lake means a lot to me and I can see it will be a big part of his life as well. With David growing up nearby and me having gone to the lake since I could walk Reilly was a natural out there. If my parents are out there this weekend, we'll be going right after church again.