Sushi??

Getting sushi is a special treat for us. Its not that expensive but its a good 15 minute drive when there are several other restaurants much closer. We have a great sushi spot called Edo; Reilly loves the koi pond in the front and I'm a huge fan of the Tempura Roll. We finish eating and I visit the bathroom before we leave. When I come out David and Reilly are at the counter paying and talking with the owner about a fish bowl. Oh yes, we got fish. She was explaining to David that she had too many fish and needed to get rid of some of them so now we have three fish: Tempura, Seuss, and one whose name only Reilly can pronounce.

Gettin' Dirrty

Today I got dirty. ROFL, slow down gutter mind! The boys and I made a visit to Lowe's where we proceeded to buy some very pretty annuals (pansies, darla daschia, and something else), top soil, and black mulch. We have a very small area to plant flowers in but I made the best of it mixing yellow, white, and a very interesting shade of pink/red/terra cotta. The black mulch made it look absolutely beautiful and while the flash here distorts it a bit, it really does look very nice. Tomorrow I plan on spreading the last 6 pansies in front of some hedges and making use of the last bit of mulch. Here's a nice picture of my thumb turning green.

Face 2 Face: North Alabama

Last night I met a wonderful group of women (plus a hubby). Each one had suffered child loss in one way or another. The mother across from me lost her son to Wolman's Disease. Its a rare beyond rare enzyme disease. The mother next to her lost her son to SIDS at just 4 months old. The mother next to me lost a set of twin boys to complications during pregnancy. Each one an inspiration and a comfort. Sharing our grief with one another gives us just that much more proof that we are not alone; although we feel like it a lot of times. It was comforting to know that I'm not going through this alone. I have a wonderful support system now; one that can truly empathize way beyond a casual, though surely heartfelt, apology for my circumstances.

What we've experienced in inexcusable. No life that innocent should have to perish so soon. No child should have to die. But thanks to one sneaky snake and one naive naked woman, they do. But no sense moping about. I am still here. Reilly and my husband are still here. I am too blessed to be stressed....but I will miss my little boys immeasurably every day.

Moving On

I won't say I've been told its time to move on. Its been barely 4 months since Bennett and Matthew were born, much less since they died. But I'm not going to post in a way that keeps me from finishing sentences or even words. I'm posting in a way that's going to make my fingers race to the keys. A way that will make my brain keep a list of all the things I want to say.

I've taken my experience with my twins and made it into something positive. I've taken my pain to offer healing towards those who have also lost someone close. I'm leading what I like to call "FHT" or the Funeral Hospitality Team at Good Shepherd UMC...a church that practically fell into our laps at just the right moment over a year ago. I basically let the team know when our services are needed. Someone takes care of the food and the rest of us are there to do everything else; from chairs to tissues. I have made the most horrible time of my life into the hands of Christ. Reaching out to these people who are left here has given me a sense of hope and purpose. I know I'll see my boys again. I can't wait till I do.

There are so many different ways of coping with a loss like this. My route of choice was pouring myself into planning a guest room. Getting all the boys' things out of there was difficult. David had a hard time while deciding how to take the beds down and where to move them. We got that sorted out and I began my decorating crusade! I was able to procure the wicker furniture from my room back "home" and have the pieces all set up, save for a console table waiting patiently for one big bad dresser to get out of the way. Tonight I have ordered curtains, cushions, and a mirror that will hang over said console. I am so beyond ecstatic to get this room going! I've got so much still to get...like say a bed, mattress, and bedding! And don't even get me started on the walls; I have no idea what will go where, much less what will go in the first place! David bought some fabulous vintage wrapping paper that I'm very likely to cut a piece of and frame. How awesome would that be?? Totally. Thats how. I can't wait till things start coming in so I can take pictures! I know this room is going to look amazing. So much so I may never be able to change it!

its coming....

Bring on the snow!

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My boys

This seemed as good a time as any to update everyone on what's happened to us in the last month. I can't remember if I'd said anything in the last post, but when I was 22 weeks pregnant I began having some bleeding. I wasn't contracting but went to L&D anyway where it was discovered I had placenta previa. I was told to be careful and that there wasn't anything that could be done. Well fast forward two weeks and I'm up with contractions. I would later be told they were just braxton hicks, but those things were painful and were instantly at 5 mins apart exactly. Went to L&D again, had a couple shots of Tributilene, contractions stop, few hours later I'm sent home. We're not even halfway and I start feeling the BH again. Get home and they're back in full force, still 5 mins apart..on the dot. Go to the big L&D this time, if we needed to deliver, this is the NICU we'd be sent to anyways. Fast forward to 3:45 am. I'd been getting tributilene off and on since coming in, and of course nothing was stopping. Have been told by now that bleeding is causing contractions and the contractions are continuing the bleeding; something about irritating my uterus. I get up to go to the bathroom at 3:45ish in the am and whoosh! The bottom falls out...I pass the biggest clot I'd ever seen...the length and thickness of a maxi pad...the long ones. Nurses rush in, I'm wheeled up, babies come out. I must say I'm glad I was knocked out because having that blue sheet in my face was making me super claustrophobic. Bennett was born first at 3:55am weighing in at a measly 1lb 6oz. Matthew followed soon after at 3:56am weighing a bit bigger at 1lb 8oz. Both boys were 12 1/2 in long...no wonder I felt baby all over the place in there. Having twins in the RNICU is the worst roller coaster you'll ever ride. Even the littlest victories are overshadowed by huge setbacks; and for babies this small, each setback is huge. This is exactly what happened with the boys. They'd be doing awesome; then they'd be doing horribly. They both at one point or another were breathing great. Bennett even managed a short stint without a ventilator! But as each boy tried harder to breath alone, they had their setbacks. Matthew had a bleed in his lung, Bennett went back on the ventilator...and it was nowhere but south at that time. Matthew lived only a week; Bennett for 11 days. I must say they filled their Nixon shoes quite well. Neither went out without a fight. The worked their little bodies until they just couldn't work anymore. Never giving up, but knowing when it was too much. We were able to say goodbye to both boys. I held them as they died, telling them how much we'd miss them. Bennett's death was harder. When Matthew died, we still had Bennett...still had hope that one of our boys would make it. When Bennett died, we knew we had nothing left. Nothing but boxes filled with memories, things they wore or used. While those boxes are priceless to us now, we both know we'd have wanted to take our babies home alive, not leave them there for the funeral home to pick up. I can't say that it's getting easier. Each day presents its own challenges. Its one more day we don't have our twins. One more day I didn't keep them inside where they belonged. It's also one more day we have Reilly. One more day we get to experience the joy of the angel on earth we've been given the privilege of raising as our son. Though he's said he's okay with it being just him, I feel horrible thinking he may grow up without a sibling and bear the burden of losing us all on his own. When we're gone, he won't have a brother or sister to lean on during the hard times. I know one thing for certain now. I'm not afraid to die. When I do, I'll be able to hold my boys again and have the honor of figuring out which is which.